My Uncle

In America, my mother was never a daughter. Never a sister. She was always a wife.

My parents immigrated to the United States in the late seventies. My father's siblings all immigrated too, and everyone lived in Chicago together. He's child number seven, son number three. My mother is the wife of son number three. 

My mother's family stayed in Korea. She's daughter number one, the oldest sister, Big Aunt. Nunim. 

I noticed it for the first time when we visited Korea in 2003. Her youngest brother, the mang-nae, chased after her crying, Nuna! Nuna! A man in his fifties trying to frantically maintain her attention while he told stories, trying to make her laugh, wanting to host her and her two kids from America. She was the Big Aunt after all. 

Every time we came or left Korea, he picked us up in his church van. He's a minister. I hated going to his church, or to any Korean church in general. I can only understand about 60% of the sermons anyway, and I had to bow a million times to all the church people who treated me like I was special for being related to the minister. My mother would say, he's such a good speaker. He's spot on. Too bad his church is so small. I would tell her that God doesn't calculate members the way she and my grandmother do, but they had already stopped talking to me by then. I couldn't care less about his church size. I cared that he loved my mother. That he sought her approval. That he treated her with the respect she deserved as the oldest sister. She felt it and it showed in her demeanor. Walked around the motherland a little taller. 

When G and I were leaving Korea to start our jobs in Cambodia, my uncle was the first to offer help. He put us up the last few days before our flight, let us store our things at his place, and drove us to the airport. We really appreciated it, appreciated him. 

Half a year ago, my mother told me he was sick. Through bits and pieces from different relatives, I found out he has lymphoma of some kind, and that it didn't seem too serious just yet. Everyone was acting like he was going to make it. I visited him a few months ago after he was admitted for treatment. He was acting crotchety and seemed to have some life in him. From the updates my mother was passing along, it seemed like he was weak but getting slightly better.

This last weekend, we went to visit him in the hospital. His body has atrophied. His feet are swollen, but his legs are bones. His mouth remains open, his lips are cracked. They've inserted a catheter. He is dying. I didn't know. My grandmother, who's 90, was crushed. She said she wishes God would take her instead of him.

My relatives believe in miracles, and they never tell the whole truth about illness because God's grace can work miracles. You know, I believe in miracles. But those who tell you they believe in God's healing power has neither a chronically sick relative nor a relative who's passed away. I'm not addressing you. Your faith doesn't impress me.

I'm addressing those people who read my blog, those who aren't sure what to believe anymore, who are fed up with the corruption going on at their churches, who stopped going to church, who don't know if God is there. I'm asking those who are part of any religion or not part of any religion.

Please pray for my uncle, my mom's youngest brother. Pray that he would live to see his children get married and have their own children. But if not, please pray for him that his last days would be peaceful and fulfilling. Full of goodness and grace, love, even joy. 

Chris Tomlin: Industry-industry-industry

Lately, my Christian friends from the past have been posting this video of Chris Tomlin and some other dudes of color singing "How Great is our God" with video montages of poor people in Asia and Africa in the background and some vaguely African choir in brightly colored clothing singing choral back up.

Chris Tomlin is probably a really nice guy, has true faith, has talent, and is good looking. No one wants to hate him, and I'm not asking you to. I am asking you to consider that he's part of CCM, which is an industry.

CCM has important problems that are never addressed by Christians because they don't want to criticize the songs that make them feel closer to God. But I don't feel close to CCM songs anymore. So here we go.

1. Sexism in the industry: In Evangelical Christianity, male leadership is encouraged and instated. Women are encouraged to support men, or to teach and support each other and children. With a lack of focus on Bible passages that recognize women leadership, most churches use men to lead the significant stuff like "worship." In the CCM industry, female artists have started to emerge but the Weekly Contemporary Christian Music Charts are still largely dominated by men. The biggest CCM cash cow is the large concerts where the venue is charged a set amount, CDs and merch are sold, and ticket sales run high. Most of those concert tours are all men. Evangelical Christianity promotes male worship leaders, creating a market for CCM's male worship leaders. Men profit the most.

2. Racism in the industry: Joe Bob Briggs, a film critic/comic, once defined contemporary Christian music as "bad songs written about God by white people." Mark Allan Powell, professor of New Testament at Trinity Lutheran Seminary and whom I got the quote from, disagrees and states that many ethnic groups are represented. While that may be true, Briggs's joke rings true because we don't really know any of them. The larger evangelical movement follows white, cisgender male songwriters and worship leaders. Test the assertion...QUICK! Name the top five worship songs you love to sing. Who sings them?

The Chris Tomlin video linked above is ludicrous. I feel annoyed when secular artists like Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel bring up African American gospel choirs. They appropriate black music for their own monetary gain, and very little gain for the choirs. Yet, Christians wave their arms and sing along when Chris Tomlin produces this multicultural rubbish to pretend like they are all connected through Christ, when only a few on that stage or screen have access to the same privileges in life. It perpetuates only the emotion of "being one in Christ" and ignores the complexities of reality, in which Jesus seemed deeply invested.

3. Profit, profit, profit: The object of any industry is for fame and ultimately money. CCM's got market shares, ticket sales, concert promotions, merch, CDs, digital downloads. It promotes their artists as rock stars, encouraging people to scream over them, climb over each other to meet them, buy their music the second it's released, get autographs and pictures. Many young Christian women and men are more than willing to give it up. Male worship leaders learn the guitar like Tomlin and step away from the mic to let the voices sing. Female fans swoon over his simple lyrics and wonder if they'll ever find a man who understands how they feel about God, like Tomlin's song can do (see #1 concerning sexism promoted by CCM). The Blah Blah, an indie music blog, quotes that "one well-known worship group he had spoken with was asking over $35,000. $35,000! To play worship music! I have a family of four, and I don’t make that much money in 2 years, let alone 2 hours of playing music that is supposed to be for God." Mark Allen Powell quotes Daniel Smith of the band Danielson, who "dismisses the whole notion of a Christian music market by saying, 'I just find it hard to believe that Christ wants to be in a market. Didn’t he turn over those tables?'"

Most Christians I know ignore that CCM and Chris Tomlin are a subset of a larger music industry. Instead, they personalize their own experience with CCM music: "Well, I feel God using the songs to talk to me. That's all that really matters."

Not to me.

Reason 2: Christians try to "bless" you by bragging

Topics in why I consider myself an ex-Christian

Reason 2: Christians try to "bless" you by bragging.

Call it what you will: encourage, bless, share... They all sound like clanging symbols in my ears. Here are some bilious ways Christians try to "bless" you: talk about how close they feel to God, how they are experiencing the joy of God, how they have a special connection with God, how God revealed some secret to you recently. It's a form of bragging. If you don't like that word, how about this: It's a way for you to convince yourself that life isn't as volatile as you feel. Either way, it's self focused. I know why Christians think they should talk this way. They think it's either their responsibility to testify about the moment of spiritual bliss they experienced (bragging), or they think if you hear how "well" they are doing, you might be convinced that you too can have the same joy in your life. These are shallow excuses. If Christians really empathized with the person they were talking to, they would shut up and listen. That's how you bless someone. Not by spouting how great your spiritual life has been lately.

(The other side of the coin would be to share some vague notions of suffering they've had lately. Sounds like a longer version of this: I've been struggling lately, but God is good.)

Reason 1: Christians always have an agenda

Why I consider myself an ex-Christian.

Reason 1: Christians always have an agenda. 

When I was a fundy, this is what I hated most about myself. Every person I met and was friendly to, I had an agenda. I wanted to guide the conversation somehow to faith, God, church. Well, at first I was just interested in the person. They were funny, smart, appealing. Then, as a true believer, I needed to do my part in helping them see the light--that they needed a relationship with God just as I had some years ago. In fact, a conversation didn't feel complete unless I mentioned faith somehow. Bonus points if I could peak their interest. This became quickly annoying, since it's rather difficult bringing up God all the time. What's more despicable is that I never liked someone just to like them. Deep down, it was always about the agenda. 

My response to a note sent by an evangelical

Recently, my friend's husband messaged me because of his "concern" for my eternal salvation. He is not a bad guy, but this kind of email is prototypical of "true believers." Here is a sample letter, a compilation of letters that people like me receive from time to time.

Praise,

(First some pleasantries)

I fear for you and your testimony. I've been reading some of your facebook posts and they don't reveal the Praise that I know.

Maybe you think that I should mind my own business and want to defriend me. But I do not fear of losing your friendship on a social network site... Rather I am moved by the fear of losing a friend eternally. 

Please understand I am not judging you - I'm just concerned. We used to pray together for missions.

I have to say that I was prompted to send you note and so I have.

I won't go into quoting scripture or outlining a sermon. Just know - I am praying for you.

With prayers (or In Christ, or In His hands),
Concerned Friend #231

My initial feeling was anger, as it usually is. Why do people have to judge me and say they're not judging me? They assume they have something to give me, that I can't give them. A helping hand to salvation. The way to righteousness. Knowledge of the love of God. And as if they are doing it out of true concern, when true concern begets action.

Instead of saying, "Hey Praise! Haven't talked to you in a while!" I get this spiritualized statement of concern: I fear for you and your testimony. I've been reading some of your facebook posts and they don't reveal the Praise that I know.

I'm not sure exactly what FB posts you are referring to. Are you upset about my use of swear words in some status updates (asshat, dickwad, cuntface, shall I go on)? Are you upset by my use of those words against FOX News, or people who make racially offensive remarks? Are you upset when I show my anger against sexism in the Korean American community and tell someone to fuck off?  What about pictures of me in front of tequila shots with my husband and friends? I've quit smoking, but I'm holding a cigarette in a few old photos. Am I hitting the nail on the head to your vague concern? 

You know what I'd really like? If you actually just...liked me. As a person. Thought I was funny or smart. Respected my intelligence. Enjoyed reading how I express myself. Wanted to get to know me. Wanted to expand your own view of Christianity and theology by engaging me in actual discourse. Asked me a question you were curious about concerning a status update. All of those responses would show me you care. The other stuff? Shows me you're religious. And I've really had enough of that. 

Smiley, West, and Pfleger

It might make my mother-in-law happy, although she's never mentioned it, if I told her that I might just become a Catholic if Gary allows us to move back to Chicago and be part of St. Sabina's church. It's not a multicultural church. On their website, they claim they are an African American church. As long as they let me come to a mass once every few weeks--that's all I ask!

I listened to Smiley and West (my fave podcast) this week, and they had Father Michael Pfleger on. Boy, he got me all fired up. He reminded me of all the goodness and grace in Christianity that I had forgotten--what it means to stand up for what you believe. No matter whom you offend. He talked about how he was being trained on the west side at a church where the Black Panthers were meeting. He asked to be placed at a small African American parish and in 1981, when I was one, he was placed at St. Sabina's. He got rid of bingo and casino night, which caused his congregation to dwindle even further. Now, 30 years later, multiple attempts by the archdiocese to move him, he is still there with thousands of followers. His message is this: Be part of a dangerous religion! What happened to churches? They are not on the front line of helping people anymore. They are not dying OR living for people anymore. This causes stagnation. St. Sabina's is inTENSE. I wish I could be part of it.

He gives his opinion on a countless number of things. Visit Smiley and West if you want to hear more.

"A True Believer"

It's hard to post on this one because I feel sensitive about my old time religion. If it was good enough for grandmother, it should be good enough for me... but it just ain't.

Well, my brother sent me an article and asked what I thought. Here is my response.
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i read it quickly, but gary and i have read up on this "phenomenon" a while back, when a traditional christian writer wrote about "hipster christianity." the funny thing is, traditional evangelicals are threatened by what this writer calls "progressive evangelicals" in the same way that political conservatives are threatened by anything progressive. they think if you don't believe in one part of orthodox doctrine, the entire religion will slide down a slippery slope. even this writer writes from the perspective of a traditional evangelical. i know why... because he doesn't write from MY point of view, and i'm definitely completely over the line. i'm not a moderate or traditional evangelical. i am definitely a progressive, maybe even more left than what is described. in fact, it's amazing to me that just as i was going through my rebuffing of the old evangelical view, many young people around the US were doing the very same, via their own experiences with the traditional church. i think anyone who is associated with conservative views in the US are scary right now (in the 21st century) because they are the ones with actual power and money. church or government. maybe they have the most to lose when progressives actually start to organize and find a voice.

i've been listening to rob bell's podcast for 2 years now, and greg boyd for 4-5. i have just recently stopped listening to rob bell because i don't care for his preaching style that much, but i agree with everything he believes. greg boyd is much more stimulating to listen to, and what they preach is this:

faith is not always about feeling. it's not about how you feel, it's about how you live.

this is a scary thought. because if we REALLY consider how we live, how we treat every single person we come into contact with, how much of our money and belongings we give, how much we stand up for what we truly believe (and that's not about our beliefs about doctrines, but about how we might treat let's say, a pariah, in front of other people...), how much faith do we actually have? if we really believe that every person we encounter could be Jesus asking for a cup of water, or if we really believe that to do the will of God, we must act justly, love mercy and humbly walk with God... or if we really know what the church should be and what God intended it to be, yet we just go along with the mediocre, dogmatic, traditional religion that only works to help its own members to feel good about themselves... or maybe stop going to church and stop serving in any way... i mean, this stuff gets very very very scary. doesn't it?

what happens when we go to heaven and say, "i lived my own life, and i tried to deal with church people i don't like..." what would jesus actually say?

sometimes, i think the traditional view of christianity can pigeonhole theology into a few corners: 1, think the bible is only about yourself (the bible is written for me, to improve me, to help me, even if it's about the hittites and jebusites), and 2, i have the ability and power and insight to figure out what God meant through the canon of the bible (if jesus says he is the way, the truth, and the life, and no one goes to the father except through him, then certain people must be going to hell). both ways of thinking are dangerous and pompous.

whatever we do in this life should not feel like enough, and that's what goodness is. like when schindler started to do what was right, and when he realized he could have done more, saved more Jews, he wept. that is what the church should call repentance. righteousness.