"Strong" Women

When I read Kareem Abdul Jabbar's "The 'Strong Woman' Myth", I actually hooted and hollered. I love it when someone articulates what I've known all along. In this article, he discusses the use of "positive" modifiers for people groups in mass media, like saying "proud African Americans" or "strong women." He posits that the modifiers are insulting and detrimental to their communities because they also imply the opposite while being employed, or they take on a derogatory meaning all on its own. For example, "proud" can imply that there are many who aren't, and it has taken on the meaning of "uppity" or "arrogant." Even the word "white" in "white trash" implies that trash usually isn't white. "Strong" is used because women are typically considered "weak," and implies there are still many who are weak.

In my early twenties, I encountered a group of Asian American Christian men in my church, mostly Korean American, who took it upon themselves to label me, and several of my friends, "strong girls." They didn't even use the word "women." They meant it as a joke, to refer to the women in their church who aren't afraid to voice their opinions and debate with men. "Strong girls" didn't act like cooking and cleaning were their first priorities. Strong girls didn't act or look meek...humble. They laughed loudly, they interpreted the Bible in a thought provoking manner, and their intelligence stretched into the secular world. Sometimes they were even funnier than the boys. God fucking forbid.

Once, a guy came up to me to ask if I knew how to iron. I said, "Yeah, who doesn't." He went back to his group of gawking boys and they all exploded in giggles. Later, I found out there was a bet to see if I took on domestic tasks, being a strong girl and all.

It got spiritual too, of course. Suddenly, when the conservative woman in charge of teaching church leaders started saying that the women don't know their place in today's church, how women have improperly stopped wearing pantyhose, how women don't know how to serve anymore, how certain women were unteachable and proud, I felt invisible fingers starting to point at me. And although I couldn't change how I felt, my behavior started to change a bit, just to keep the invisible fingers at bay. I may have laughed more softly. I may have tried a new recipe for a small group Bible study dinner. I may have tried to look like I was praying harder and keeping my mouth shut.

(At this point, I'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to the guys who were friends, who never made me feel unattractive or too strong, the guys who respected me and cared for me. I won't forget you when I'm rich and famous.)

It all hurt my feelings at the time. I was young, and feeling very excited about my new found spirituality. I felt naive and manipulated by...the overall culture of the church? The church leaders? The boys who called me "strong"?

In my thirties, I'm married to a man who is smart and accomplished. It makes me incredibly competitive at times, and he has to remind me how much he respects me to get me to stop. It's crazy! I love him, respect him, am jealous of him, debate with him, tell him he's wrong, apologize to him, cry on his shoulder, let him cry on mine, and never in our marriage has he made me feel like those boys above. He doesn't call me "strong" as an insult because A) he's not a chauvinist, and B) he's secure in his identity and ability.

It took being married to a man like mine to realize those boys never had confidence. They wanted to be respected because of their positions in the church hierarchy of power, not because they deserve respect. And they wanted girls who were quiet and meek, the quintessential Christian wife who didn't care too much about their intellect, their appearance, or their voice, but still had to be thin, hot, and really good at everything behind the scenes. The kind of girl who will respect them simply because Ephesians says to respect the head of the family, whether they've earned it or not. Like this mystery woman exists. This ridiculous desire of theirs causes women to change their personalities, to downplay their talents, to silence their voices.

The reason I write this now is because I know there are still men like this in the church, making women feel too strong if they ever call a church skit sexist, or state that they're feminists, or simply disagree with a male church leader. The church will excuse their behavior because they are men and because they hold positions in the church, but the church will not validate the feelings of the women they affect. I certainly hope I'm wrong. I hope girls that choose to go to church today can freely be themselves. But I have a feeling that as long as churches hold on to the archaic notion that women don't belong in leadership, men will continue to accuse women of being "too strong."

Satan's Greatest Trick

"The greatest trick Satan ever pulled was making the world believe he didn't exist."

Do you know who said this ubiquitous little line? I didn't. I had to look it up. Charles Baudelaire wrote this in Paris Spleen, a book of prose poetry (before it was known as prose poetry), published in 1869.

In the evangelical community, I think the opposite is true. If Satan exists, his greatest trick is to heighten his importance in the church.

I've stumbled across a blog piece called "When Satan Steals Your Motherhood" published January 28, 2014. It's very sweet in some ways. The writer recalls moments of the day where her patience gave out, especially when it comes to her young son. At the end, her son doesn't recall those moments but only the one time where they played on the couch together. It's a lovely moment, recalling the innocence of childhood and shunning the evil of Satan within motherhood--a perfectly packaged ending with a call for action, to, uh, remember to be nice to your kids?

The writer believes that it's not the fact that you're on Pinterest too long, or that you're on the phone too long, or that you compare your kids to others, when Satan gets in. She writes, "No, it’s not the mistakes. It’s not the forgetfulness. It is what happens on the inside that no one else sees. And he knows just how to get to you."

Jesus Christ! Satan knows just how to get us? What does that mean? He knows how to make us feel guilty for being a typical mother? He knows how to creep into our families when they are in their normal state of chaos?

I hate this type of spiritualizing. It makes us paranoid, guilty, angry, scared, and worst of all, like sinners. Being a protestant myself, I know all about these feelings, especially while I attended a fundamentalist church where intentions count. Motives count. If you have "wrong motives," you are sinning. You need to repent. You need grace. 

Yes, we need grace, in every situation, sure. But I wonder what kind of existential grace this writer is asking for-- is it for being a middle to upper middle class woman who has the privilege of not working and raising children? Is it for all the times these women lose their temper or sit on the computer using the social network too long? I swear, my mother lost her temper at me daily for not practicing the piano long enough, for not studying more, for not caring about my B when I could get an A. And I know her prayers were nothing like the mother who wrote this piece. My mother was praying that she would be able to get through her graveyard shift just one more time, that her children would grow up faster so they could start speaking English, that her daughter would take her sacrifices as an immigrant and use them as building blocks for a different kind of life. Guess what? All her prayers were answered. 

I'm now a privileged person. I can take six months off for maternity leave and have my husband support me. Some days, my shitty attitude can be my worst problem. I'm in no way perfect--in fact, I'm judgmental, hot-tempered, competitive, a misanthrope, and a terrible speller. I can ask God to help me fight Satan in some weird spiritual way and remain the kind of individualistic Christian that our churches love to produce--those that concentrate only on their own holiness, those that defend CCM music, those that put on Mother's Day programs at church, those that value how they feel about God and read the Bible to suit their own needs. But I won't, because if Satan exists, this is his greatest trick--especially in the church. 

No, I will remember my mother's prayers. I will remember that there are millions and millions of people who have nothing to eat, nowhere to learn, and everything to pray for. I will continue trying to act justly, love mercy, walk humbly. When I fail, I will not tell myself and other women that Satan is out to steal our joy by using isolated quotes from the Bible. I will probably feel depressed for a while and maybe yell at my family. Then I will apologize and just keep trying.