Why I no longer go to an evangelical church

I make this list knowing that there are Protestant churches that probably try to address these problems. And there are always a handful of awesome, good people in every church. Anyway, in no particular order:

1. I hate being judged on my salvation narrative.

2. I hate being at a church where most of my leaders are men and they have no idea what patriarchy means or its insidious effects.
3. I hate that I have to listen to one person's interpretation of a passage and accept it as the word of God, or at least that God is speaking through him. And so often it's cherry picking or decontextualized.
4. I hate that pastors/ministers wear such garish costumes and expect/demand respect.
5. I hate the performance of church. Dress up, small talk, pretend to feel something every week. I especially dislike the competition of performance. Who looks more godly today? Whose family looks more godly today?
6. I hate feeling like I have to be on my best behavior, when there is nothing wrong with my daily behavior. Feels fake.
7. I hate that everything has to do with God. Instead of living your life, everything becomes spiritualized. Very puritan. I also hate that we are constantly encouraged to "know" God. How much do we have to "know" him and "feel close" to him before we just live out what has been asked of us?
8. I hate the music and drama and art. Because there is no room to explore "sin," there is no room for creativity. Every song or skit or whatever has to end on a redemptive note. Formulaic.
9. I hate defending my own views or interpretations to everyone. EVERY ONE.
10. I hate being called a "strong woman" as an insult.
11. I hate being called "proud" or "unteachable."
12. I hate the obligation people have to serve each other or help each other, but not necessarily because they genuinely like or care about you.
13. I hate that there is an agenda to evangelize. Most church people don't have relationships or friendships with true non-Christians. I do. And I don't want to evangelize to them...it's cheesy and fake.
14. I hate that churches think becoming saved is the answer to addiction. It might help some, but not many.
15. I hate that church is so ridiculously far behind the secular world in terms of social justice (race, poverty, women's rights, sexual orientation, gender orientation). What a shame. What a damn shame.
16. This list can go on forever. I hate that if you stand up for what you think Jesus stood up for, you're chastised.
17. I hate any church culture of dating. Like, really hate this one.
18. I hate that anything you talk about in church has to be backed up by the Bible with circular reasoning. I also hate that the Bible is read literally. GOD! That's an annoying one.
19. I hate the using of God to further your own agenda or desires. This is done through counseling, prayer, sermon, Bible study, etc.
20. Last one...for now...Being part of a church, instead of having a community that loves and serves each other because they live together and need each other, is an arbitrary group of middle class attendees who ignore the radical teaching of Jesus and settle for a church life of feelings, occasional good deeds, and mediocrity.

Just as I wrote #20, I thought of five more! I could be here all day.

What I did like about church, but it's not enough to ever draw me back:
1. Choral singing
2. Feelings of bliss or catharsis
3. Feelings of comfort or community, once in a while
4. Bible passage close reading time
5. Having church people who are willing to help you move or bring food when you're sick
6. Feeling of purpose when reading the Gospels

Praying Aloud

I'll never pray aloud again. Not if I know there is someone listening.

No matter what you think or say, no matter what your intention, it's a performance. No matter how much you get yourself into a certain mood, no matter how genuine the tears, you're still using a certain intonation, volume, lilt, whatever it takes to create a "spiritual" experience.

Let me use this verse slightly out of context and for my own cherry-picking purpose. Why not? All pastors do it.

1 Corinthians 14: 13-19
Therefore, one who speaks in a tongue should pray that he may interpret. For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prays but my mind is unfruitful. What am I to do? I will pray with my spirit, but I will pray with my mind also; I will sing praise with my spirit, but I will sing with my mind also. Otherwise, if you give thanks with your spirit, how can anyone in the position of an outsider say “Amen” to your thanksgiving when he does not know what you are saying? For you may be giving thanks well enough, but the other person is not being built up. I thank God that I speak in tongues more than all of you. Nevertheless, in church I would rather speak five words with my mind in order to instruct others, than ten thousand words in a tongue.

Here Apostle Paul says when we pray aloud, it's not for our own edification but for the teaching and edification of the church. So, whether you are praying in tongue with an interpreter, or praying to instruct the church, you are doing so with the audience in mind.

Performance. 

I don't understand why you can't just instruct the church, or better yet, discuss whatever it is with the church, then have everyone pray individually? The idea of praying aloud or on behalf of creates a performance, and that performance looks and sounds different in different church cultures. 

I will speak--hopefully words of encouragement and love and acceptance and kindness. But I will not hide my own intentions behind prayer as if it's God who is actually speaking through me. Because I don't know for sure if they are speaking through me, and I will not assume that it's not my own voice. If my words affect or touch someone, then great. But the problem with most Christians who "pray" for others, lay hands, etc. is that they say whatever is on their mind and insist we should all assume it was of God. I find it arrogant, and rather manipulative. Sometimes sinister. 

I kind of like the way Catholics do it. They have a prayer already written. It's simple, and you pray that prayer aloud with others. You can feel whatever you feel, you can think whatever you want, you can pray other words if you'd like, but not aloud. You have to say the prayer with your community and you don't have to perform it. It's a nice alternative, though I'm not sold that it's the answer to the dilemma.  

Oh, and one more thing. The 1 Corinthians passage I used is actually only supposed to be for men. Because a few verses later, Apostle Paul clarifies, "As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church." So, I guess I'll do just that. Thanks AP!

Trump Shit List

Evangelical leaders, whom I used to think I ought to respect for no other reason than...blind acceptance of patriarchal leaders, who are on my shit list for not standing up against Trump until it was either too late or convenient for their ministries. Links provided.

Wayne Grudem x, y
John Piper x, y, z
Max Lucado x, y

I'll keep adding to the list. It's just a start. Any suggestions?

I watched these men keep silent over and over as Trump spoke about Mexican people, Chinese people, Black Americans, Muslims. Then suddenly, when his comments affect their wives, daughters, and mothers, white women, they're suddenly against him with Bible verses in tow. Or, they always have to add a caveat about Hillary Clinton being just as bad. I've never like HRC's new liberal policy decisions, but she is not Trump. It's also a cop out to ask either of them to drop out. No, you make a decision and stand by it, you patriarch you.