My Uncle

In America, my mother was never a daughter. Never a sister. She was always a wife.

My parents immigrated to the United States in the late seventies. My father's siblings all immigrated too, and everyone lived in Chicago together. He's child number seven, son number three. My mother is the wife of son number three. 

My mother's family stayed in Korea. She's daughter number one, the oldest sister, Big Aunt. Nunim. 

I noticed it for the first time when we visited Korea in 2003. Her youngest brother, the mang-nae, chased after her crying, Nuna! Nuna! A man in his fifties trying to frantically maintain her attention while he told stories, trying to make her laugh, wanting to host her and her two kids from America. She was the Big Aunt after all. 

Every time we came or left Korea, he picked us up in his church van. He's a minister. I hated going to his church, or to any Korean church in general. I can only understand about 60% of the sermons anyway, and I had to bow a million times to all the church people who treated me like I was special for being related to the minister. My mother would say, he's such a good speaker. He's spot on. Too bad his church is so small. I would tell her that God doesn't calculate members the way she and my grandmother do, but they had already stopped talking to me by then. I couldn't care less about his church size. I cared that he loved my mother. That he sought her approval. That he treated her with the respect she deserved as the oldest sister. She felt it and it showed in her demeanor. Walked around the motherland a little taller. 

When G and I were leaving Korea to start our jobs in Cambodia, my uncle was the first to offer help. He put us up the last few days before our flight, let us store our things at his place, and drove us to the airport. We really appreciated it, appreciated him. 

Half a year ago, my mother told me he was sick. Through bits and pieces from different relatives, I found out he has lymphoma of some kind, and that it didn't seem too serious just yet. Everyone was acting like he was going to make it. I visited him a few months ago after he was admitted for treatment. He was acting crotchety and seemed to have some life in him. From the updates my mother was passing along, it seemed like he was weak but getting slightly better.

This last weekend, we went to visit him in the hospital. His body has atrophied. His feet are swollen, but his legs are bones. His mouth remains open, his lips are cracked. They've inserted a catheter. He is dying. I didn't know. My grandmother, who's 90, was crushed. She said she wishes God would take her instead of him.

My relatives believe in miracles, and they never tell the whole truth about illness because God's grace can work miracles. You know, I believe in miracles. But those who tell you they believe in God's healing power has neither a chronically sick relative nor a relative who's passed away. I'm not addressing you. Your faith doesn't impress me.

I'm addressing those people who read my blog, those who aren't sure what to believe anymore, who are fed up with the corruption going on at their churches, who stopped going to church, who don't know if God is there. I'm asking those who are part of any religion or not part of any religion.

Please pray for my uncle, my mom's youngest brother. Pray that he would live to see his children get married and have their own children. But if not, please pray for him that his last days would be peaceful and fulfilling. Full of goodness and grace, love, even joy. 

Chris Tomlin: Industry-industry-industry

Lately, my Christian friends from the past have been posting this video of Chris Tomlin and some other dudes of color singing "How Great is our God" with video montages of poor people in Asia and Africa in the background and some vaguely African choir in brightly colored clothing singing choral back up.

Chris Tomlin is probably a really nice guy, has true faith, has talent, and is good looking. No one wants to hate him, and I'm not asking you to. I am asking you to consider that he's part of CCM, which is an industry.

CCM has important problems that are never addressed by Christians because they don't want to criticize the songs that make them feel closer to God. But I don't feel close to CCM songs anymore. So here we go.

1. Sexism in the industry: In Evangelical Christianity, male leadership is encouraged and instated. Women are encouraged to support men, or to teach and support each other and children. With a lack of focus on Bible passages that recognize women leadership, most churches use men to lead the significant stuff like "worship." In the CCM industry, female artists have started to emerge but the Weekly Contemporary Christian Music Charts are still largely dominated by men. The biggest CCM cash cow is the large concerts where the venue is charged a set amount, CDs and merch are sold, and ticket sales run high. Most of those concert tours are all men. Evangelical Christianity promotes male worship leaders, creating a market for CCM's male worship leaders. Men profit the most.

2. Racism in the industry: Joe Bob Briggs, a film critic/comic, once defined contemporary Christian music as "bad songs written about God by white people." Mark Allan Powell, professor of New Testament at Trinity Lutheran Seminary and whom I got the quote from, disagrees and states that many ethnic groups are represented. While that may be true, Briggs's joke rings true because we don't really know any of them. The larger evangelical movement follows white, cisgender male songwriters and worship leaders. Test the assertion...QUICK! Name the top five worship songs you love to sing. Who sings them?

The Chris Tomlin video linked above is ludicrous. I feel annoyed when secular artists like Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel bring up African American gospel choirs. They appropriate black music for their own monetary gain, and very little gain for the choirs. Yet, Christians wave their arms and sing along when Chris Tomlin produces this multicultural rubbish to pretend like they are all connected through Christ, when only a few on that stage or screen have access to the same privileges in life. It perpetuates only the emotion of "being one in Christ" and ignores the complexities of reality, in which Jesus seemed deeply invested.

3. Profit, profit, profit: The object of any industry is for fame and ultimately money. CCM's got market shares, ticket sales, concert promotions, merch, CDs, digital downloads. It promotes their artists as rock stars, encouraging people to scream over them, climb over each other to meet them, buy their music the second it's released, get autographs and pictures. Many young Christian women and men are more than willing to give it up. Male worship leaders learn the guitar like Tomlin and step away from the mic to let the voices sing. Female fans swoon over his simple lyrics and wonder if they'll ever find a man who understands how they feel about God, like Tomlin's song can do (see #1 concerning sexism promoted by CCM). The Blah Blah, an indie music blog, quotes that "one well-known worship group he had spoken with was asking over $35,000. $35,000! To play worship music! I have a family of four, and I don’t make that much money in 2 years, let alone 2 hours of playing music that is supposed to be for God." Mark Allen Powell quotes Daniel Smith of the band Danielson, who "dismisses the whole notion of a Christian music market by saying, 'I just find it hard to believe that Christ wants to be in a market. Didn’t he turn over those tables?'"

Most Christians I know ignore that CCM and Chris Tomlin are a subset of a larger music industry. Instead, they personalize their own experience with CCM music: "Well, I feel God using the songs to talk to me. That's all that really matters."

Not to me.

Reason 2: Christians try to "bless" you by bragging

Topics in why I consider myself an ex-Christian

Reason 2: Christians try to "bless" you by bragging.

Call it what you will: encourage, bless, share... They all sound like clanging symbols in my ears. Here are some bilious ways Christians try to "bless" you: talk about how close they feel to God, how they are experiencing the joy of God, how they have a special connection with God, how God revealed some secret to you recently. It's a form of bragging. If you don't like that word, how about this: It's a way for you to convince yourself that life isn't as volatile as you feel. Either way, it's self focused. I know why Christians think they should talk this way. They think it's either their responsibility to testify about the moment of spiritual bliss they experienced (bragging), or they think if you hear how "well" they are doing, you might be convinced that you too can have the same joy in your life. These are shallow excuses. If Christians really empathized with the person they were talking to, they would shut up and listen. That's how you bless someone. Not by spouting how great your spiritual life has been lately.

(The other side of the coin would be to share some vague notions of suffering they've had lately. Sounds like a longer version of this: I've been struggling lately, but God is good.)

Reason 1: Christians always have an agenda

Why I consider myself an ex-Christian.

Reason 1: Christians always have an agenda. 

When I was a fundy, this is what I hated most about myself. Every person I met and was friendly to, I had an agenda. I wanted to guide the conversation somehow to faith, God, church. Well, at first I was just interested in the person. They were funny, smart, appealing. Then, as a true believer, I needed to do my part in helping them see the light--that they needed a relationship with God just as I had some years ago. In fact, a conversation didn't feel complete unless I mentioned faith somehow. Bonus points if I could peak their interest. This became quickly annoying, since it's rather difficult bringing up God all the time. What's more despicable is that I never liked someone just to like them. Deep down, it was always about the agenda.