Why I no longer go to an evangelical church

I make this list knowing that there are Protestant churches that probably try to address these problems. And there are always a handful of awesome, good people in every church. Anyway, in no particular order:

1. I hate being judged on my salvation narrative.

2. I hate being at a church where most of my leaders are men and they have no idea what patriarchy means or its insidious effects.
3. I hate that I have to listen to one person's interpretation of a passage and accept it as the word of God, or at least that God is speaking through him. And so often it's cherry picking or decontextualized.
4. I hate that pastors/ministers wear such garish costumes and expect/demand respect.
5. I hate the performance of church. Dress up, small talk, pretend to feel something every week. I especially dislike the competition of performance. Who looks more godly today? Whose family looks more godly today?
6. I hate feeling like I have to be on my best behavior, when there is nothing wrong with my daily behavior. Feels fake.
7. I hate that everything has to do with God. Instead of living your life, everything becomes spiritualized. Very puritan. I also hate that we are constantly encouraged to "know" God. How much do we have to "know" him and "feel close" to him before we just live out what has been asked of us?
8. I hate the music and drama and art. Because there is no room to explore "sin," there is no room for creativity. Every song or skit or whatever has to end on a redemptive note. Formulaic.
9. I hate defending my own views or interpretations to everyone. EVERY ONE.
10. I hate being called a "strong woman" as an insult.
11. I hate being called "proud" or "unteachable."
12. I hate the obligation people have to serve each other or help each other, but not necessarily because they genuinely like or care about you.
13. I hate that there is an agenda to evangelize. Most church people don't have relationships or friendships with true non-Christians. I do. And I don't want to evangelize to them...it's cheesy and fake.
14. I hate that churches think becoming saved is the answer to addiction. It might help some, but not many.
15. I hate that church is so ridiculously far behind the secular world in terms of social justice (race, poverty, women's rights, sexual orientation, gender orientation). What a shame. What a damn shame.
16. This list can go on forever. I hate that if you stand up for what you think Jesus stood up for, you're chastised.
17. I hate any church culture of dating. Like, really hate this one.
18. I hate that anything you talk about in church has to be backed up by the Bible with circular reasoning. I also hate that the Bible is read literally. GOD! That's an annoying one.
19. I hate the using of God to further your own agenda or desires. This is done through counseling, prayer, sermon, Bible study, etc.
20. Last one...for now...Being part of a church, instead of having a community that loves and serves each other because they live together and need each other, is an arbitrary group of middle class attendees who ignore the radical teaching of Jesus and settle for a church life of feelings, occasional good deeds, and mediocrity.

Just as I wrote #20, I thought of five more! I could be here all day.

What I did like about church, but it's not enough to ever draw me back:
1. Choral singing
2. Feelings of bliss or catharsis
3. Feelings of comfort or community, once in a while
4. Bible passage close reading time
5. Having church people who are willing to help you move or bring food when you're sick
6. Feeling of purpose when reading the Gospels

Reason 1: Christians always have an agenda

Why I consider myself an ex-Christian.

Reason 1: Christians always have an agenda. 

When I was a fundy, this is what I hated most about myself. Every person I met and was friendly to, I had an agenda. I wanted to guide the conversation somehow to faith, God, church. Well, at first I was just interested in the person. They were funny, smart, appealing. Then, as a true believer, I needed to do my part in helping them see the light--that they needed a relationship with God just as I had some years ago. In fact, a conversation didn't feel complete unless I mentioned faith somehow. Bonus points if I could peak their interest. This became quickly annoying, since it's rather difficult bringing up God all the time. What's more despicable is that I never liked someone just to like them. Deep down, it was always about the agenda. 

My response to a note sent by an evangelical

Recently, my friend's husband messaged me because of his "concern" for my eternal salvation. He is not a bad guy, but this kind of email is prototypical of "true believers." Here is a sample letter, a compilation of letters that people like me receive from time to time.

Praise,

(First some pleasantries)

I fear for you and your testimony. I've been reading some of your facebook posts and they don't reveal the Praise that I know.

Maybe you think that I should mind my own business and want to defriend me. But I do not fear of losing your friendship on a social network site... Rather I am moved by the fear of losing a friend eternally. 

Please understand I am not judging you - I'm just concerned. We used to pray together for missions.

I have to say that I was prompted to send you note and so I have.

I won't go into quoting scripture or outlining a sermon. Just know - I am praying for you.

With prayers (or In Christ, or In His hands),
Concerned Friend #231

My initial feeling was anger, as it usually is. Why do people have to judge me and say they're not judging me? They assume they have something to give me, that I can't give them. A helping hand to salvation. The way to righteousness. Knowledge of the love of God. And as if they are doing it out of true concern, when true concern begets action.

Instead of saying, "Hey Praise! Haven't talked to you in a while!" I get this spiritualized statement of concern: I fear for you and your testimony. I've been reading some of your facebook posts and they don't reveal the Praise that I know.

I'm not sure exactly what FB posts you are referring to. Are you upset about my use of swear words in some status updates (asshat, dickwad, cuntface, shall I go on)? Are you upset by my use of those words against FOX News, or people who make racially offensive remarks? Are you upset when I show my anger against sexism in the Korean American community and tell someone to fuck off?  What about pictures of me in front of tequila shots with my husband and friends? I've quit smoking, but I'm holding a cigarette in a few old photos. Am I hitting the nail on the head to your vague concern? 

You know what I'd really like? If you actually just...liked me. As a person. Thought I was funny or smart. Respected my intelligence. Enjoyed reading how I express myself. Wanted to get to know me. Wanted to expand your own view of Christianity and theology by engaging me in actual discourse. Asked me a question you were curious about concerning a status update. All of those responses would show me you care. The other stuff? Shows me you're religious. And I've really had enough of that.